3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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