Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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