He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
