my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
