Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
