i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
