dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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