just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
