I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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