careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
