Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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