I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
