I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
