Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
