My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
