If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
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