Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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