did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
