Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
