I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
