two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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