2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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