dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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