you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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