if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You ruined the universe
Randomize
