I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
