Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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