Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
