i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
