dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
