My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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