Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
