So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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