Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
