i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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