Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
