Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
