When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Four minutes until I can fart!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
