so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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