Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
