i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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