i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
