White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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