I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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