i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
