The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
