i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
