I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
