just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
