I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
