my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
