what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
