When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
