i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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